I've written and erased this post three times. I've tried to type it up, tried to mentally compose it, and even tried to sit down with a pen and paper, but I can't seem to find the words to express what this day means to me.
How do I describe what it felt like to be obese? How can I convey the utter despair I felt at being out of control? How to I express the disillusionment that comes with losing yourself?
TWO YEARS AGO TODAY
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I was trapped in a prison of my own making. The bars on my cell weren't made of steel, they were made of fat. I was held captive by the person I had let myself become.
With tears streaming down my face, I'm going to be more honest than I've ever been on this blog.
I never felt good enough for the world. Maybe I wasn't funny enough, I wasn't outgoing enough, I certainly wasn't pretty enough. And there were times when I didn't feel smart enough.
I never felt like I fit in. I always felt like I was on the outside, looking in. I remember, growing up, laying in bed at night just hoping and dreaming that something would change. Someway, somehow I would suddenly fit in.
But that day didn't come, and with each passing year I felt worse and worse about myself. YES! There were some life situations that triggered things, making these feelings worse, but they had been there as long as I could remember.
When I was young I tried to be as tough as I could, I tried to hide all these feelings. I didn't want anyone knowing how sensitive I really was, so if someone would get close, I would put up a wall. I pushed people away instead of opening up.
Soon those emotional barriers became physical ones. I turned to food.
Why food?
I don't have all the answers. I CAN say though, food gave me comfort. The neat thing about a piece of pizza is that it won't judge you. You can turn to it for comfort and it won't ever look down on you. For a brief moment, while I was consuming that food, I was happy. Unfortunately, that happiness is fleeting and was immediately replaced with feelings of disgust.
After years of finding temporary comfort in food I found myself obese. Guess what's worse than simply feeling worthless? Feeling fat and worthless.
After a lifetime of FEELING like I didn't fit in I finally made it to where I literally didn't FIT in... to anything. It's ironic, looking back.
So I stayed in my self induced prison, passing the years. I was aging, but I wasn't LIVING.
But on January 5th, 2009 I made the decision to break out of jail. By then I had a husband and a son,( who-it turns out, loved me literally through "thick and thin"). I wanted to be a good mother, I wanted to make my husband proud, but most importantly: I wanted to LOVE myself.
So I took the first steps, literally. I made healthy choices. And I focused on simply taking care of ME.
As I shed each of those pounds, I gained something back. I gained my self worth.
I lost 128 pounds, and found something pretty special hiding underneath all that fat:
I found Tricia, and it turns out she IS "good enough" afterall.
