The Connection Runners + pretty

The day I got out of prison, please excuse the tears

I've written and erased this post three times. I've tried to type it up, tried to mentally compose it, and even tried to sit down with a pen and paper, but I can't seem to find the words to express what this day means to me.

How do I describe what it felt like to be obese? How can I convey the utter despair I felt at being out of control? How to I express the disillusionment that comes with losing yourself?

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY
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I was trapped in a prison of my own making. The bars on my cell weren't made of steel, they were made of fat. I was held captive by the person I had let myself become.

With tears streaming down my face, I'm going to be more honest than I've ever been on this blog.

I never felt good enough for the world. Maybe I wasn't funny enough, I wasn't outgoing enough, I certainly wasn't pretty enough. And there were times when I didn't feel smart enough.

I never felt like I fit in. I always felt like I was on the outside, looking in. I remember, growing up, laying in bed at night just hoping and dreaming that something would change. Someway, somehow I would suddenly fit in.

But that day didn't come, and with each passing year I felt worse and worse about myself. YES! There were some life situations that triggered things, making these feelings worse, but they had been there as long as I could remember.

When I was young I tried to be as tough as I could, I tried to hide all these feelings. I didn't want anyone knowing how sensitive I really was, so if someone would get close, I would put up a wall. I pushed people away instead of opening up.

Soon those emotional barriers became physical ones. I turned to food.

Why food?

I don't have all the answers. I CAN say though, food gave me comfort. The neat thing about a piece of pizza is that it won't judge you. You can turn to it for comfort and it won't ever look down on you. For a brief moment, while I was consuming that food, I was happy. Unfortunately, that happiness is fleeting and was immediately replaced with feelings of disgust.

After years of finding temporary comfort in food I found myself obese. Guess what's worse than simply feeling worthless? Feeling fat and worthless.

After a lifetime of FEELING like I didn't fit in I finally made it to where I literally didn't FIT in... to anything. It's ironic, looking back.

So I stayed in my self induced prison, passing the years. I was aging, but I wasn't LIVING.

But on January 5th, 2009 I made the decision to break out of jail. By then I had a husband and a son,( who-it turns out, loved me literally through "thick and thin"). I wanted to be a good mother, I wanted to make my husband proud, but most importantly: I wanted to LOVE myself.

So I took the first steps, literally. I made healthy choices. And I focused on simply taking care of ME.

As I shed each of those pounds, I gained something back. I gained my self worth.

I lost 128 pounds, and found something pretty special hiding underneath all that fat:

I found Tricia, and it turns out she IS "good enough" afterall.

food, HAPPY, health, healthy way, losing weight, mental health, obesity, and more:

The day I got out of prison, please excuse the tears + pretty