In five days, I just may be going for my first post-baby run. Not that I'm counting down or anything.
While the minutes to those first miles tick away, I'll continue working out using the fool-proof routine I've developed over the last six weeks: The Momathon.
What's The Momathon, you ask? It's only the world's greatest muscle-building, fat-burning, raging hormone-fueled circuit workout.
Equipment You'll Need
- A baby (borrow one if you have to)
- A carseat (go for the biggest, bulkiest model you can find)
- A breastpump (always fun to pretend you're a cow)
- A stroller (find one with a cool cup holder)
- A billion (yes, ONE BILLION) diapers and wipes
The Momathon borrows from Crossfit because it's cool like that. Do As Many Rounds As Possible of the following exercises and keep track of your time:
#1: Stroller Sprints
How To: Buckle baby into stroller. Speedwalk in blowing 25-degree weather from car to grocery store. See if you can pass the elderly woman with the tennis balls on her walker.
#2: Carseat Deadlifts
How To: Bundle baby in snowsuit, hat, and blanket. Gather purse, diaper bag, snacks, and water bottle. Be determined to make it out of a very narrow back door with all items in tow. Struggle with the weight of carseat while balancing all other items. Take a break halfway to the garage. Pray neighbors aren't giggling at you.
#3 Diaper Change Dare
How To: Hear baby poop. Loudly. Like rocket-liftoff loud. Wait 3 minutes. Hear nothing else, so jog into bedroom for a diaper change. Pull diaper off and grimace as you hear the telltale sounds of forthcoming poo explosion. Clean up, grab new diaper. Put a mental checkmark on the "Cons" column of using cloth diapers.
Timeout: Refuel With One Hand
How To: Grab a sandwich, a Lara bar, potato chips, anything you can eat single-handedly and in four minutes or less. Inhale food. Bonus points if you're able to sneak in three or more Oreos before baby needs your attention.
#4: Pumping Physical Challenge
How To: Pull curtains closed and make sure the TV is tuned to a quality show like Dance Moms. Assemble pump and prepare boobmilk receptacles. Turn pump on, adjust speed. Pretend Mark Summers is emceeing the process as you wait to see if the left or the right fills up faster. Winning boob gets a trip to Universal Studios in Orlando and a slime shower.
#5: Supermarket Slalom
How To: Lift carseat onto front of shopping cart. Attempt to adjust for safety for 15 minutes. Wonder why they don't make shopping carts more carseat friendly. Realize you can't see over top of carseat, but proceed to produce section anyway. Try to careen around other shoppers' rogue carts, neatly stacked displays, and free-sample ladies. Swear loudly when you hit every. single. one. of. them.
#6: Baby Carrier Suicides
How To: Pull out Baby Bjorn & quickly realize you have no idea how to use it. Put back in closet. Hold baby awkwardly in arm instead. Run down to basement, change laundry loads, run back up two sets of stairs to bedroom. Put away clean clothes. Run back to kitchen to answer text. Run into living room to giggle at The Ellen Show. Run back downstairs. Hope baby likes running.
The Finish Line
If you've done the routine correctly, you, baby, and cat (oops, you need a cat for this, too), will be successfully snoozing out on the couch by 6 p.m. when husband walks in from work.
When he gently wakes the three of you up, you scrounge up dinner (sandwiches again?), settle into the couch with a glass of white wine, and check off one more day of training. At this rate, you'll be setting a Momathon PR in no time.
